This was originally the blog of a first-time Mum to remember the ups and downs of my pregnancy - and chart the first year of my daughter's life. But I've kept it going, and am now a mother of two! More than anything, it helps me to get to sleep once I've emptied my brain of issues and concerns and emotions onto the laptop.
If you're reading this and also a mum- or dad-to-be, first time parent, or just someone who's thinking about it - I hope it gives a little insight into one person's experiences - good and bad....

Wednesday, 22 August 2012


We're having a total nightmare with Charlotte's sleeping at the moment. (note the time of this post: - 0218).

After the best part of a year of a really good bedtime routine, and C mostly going down straight away without a fight - she's suddenly refusing to sleep. And waking A LOT in the night, taking up to 2 hours to get her to go back down sometimes.

I have read that this is a common problem as her development gathers pace and she wants to be up trying all her new skills, but frankly that doesn't help. We've resorted to sitting in her room with her until she's down, like we did back in the early months. But even then she's up a couple of hours later - and then often every hour after that.

We've tried leaving her to cry, but she gets so wound up she makes herself sick - and that's after only abut 5 minutes. If we give her her dummy, she decides it's a fun game to throw it out of the cot minutes later. It's really not good at the moment.

Recently it's been nighttime coughing that had been waking her up. She's fine in the day, but almost bang on 10.30pm she'll wake up with a massive coughing fit. We've tried so many things to alleviate this - window open, humidifier, honey before bed, hoovered and cleaned bedding, different room, raised cot etc etc. And while she is still coughing quite a bit at night, it's not that that's waking her at the moment.

I don't know whether she's just started hating her cot or room, is scared, or just being a terror. But sleepless  nights are really not helpful when you're 4-months pregnant with number two. That said, I must saying my OH has been amazing in doing most of the really tough nighttime stuff, and I usually get a few hours sleep before I take over in the early hours.

Talking of number two, I had started feeling the little Twiglet (our chosen pet name for him/her) with the little pulses. And I heard his/her heartbeat at my latest ante-natal appointment, which was great. But now I've barely felt anything for a few days (probably not helped by the stress brought on by Charlotte), and so the anxiety begins... I know it's still early days to be feeling much, so trying not to get too worried. But I do love those reassuring little flutters.

Sunday, 12 August 2012


(originally written 06/06/12)

I keep going over and over in my head: "what the hell were we thinking?". The enormity of having a newborn with a toddler under 2-years just seems too much to deal with some days. 

We've not yet told anyone - still very early days at 6 weeks, especially after the two m/cs I had before Charlotte came along. But I keep playing the conversation of when we tell my parents over and over in my head, and it's not good. Basically, they know how tough I've found the past 11 months with one - and I think they'll think we haven't thought through exactly what having two in such quick succession really means. My OH says all the imagined reactions are me transferring my own anxieties onto what I think my Mum will say. And he's probably absolutely right. I hope they'll be thrilled at the prospect of a second grandchild, rather than dismissive of how I'll cope.

So we're at six weeks, and even going to the GP and getting an appointment with the midwife next week still isn't making it feel any more real. I don't feel pregnant at all. The only slight hint is the occasional loss of appetite come dinner time in the early evening, but I certainly wouldn't call it nausea.

At this stage last time, I couldn't face one of my favourite foods - curry. And I had nausea every evening, and didn't fancy eating anything for dinner - just drinking lemonade. There is a nagging worry in the back of my mind that because I don't have any symptoms, it has already gone wrong like with my first m/c (we're past the point when I had my second), which makes me very sad when I read that at this stage hands and feet are already forming, and there should be a heartbeat.

Last time, we had a reassurance scan at 7 weeks, but that's not been offered this time as my last pregnancy was a success... yes, she certainly is!


(originally written on 27/06/12)

Close family now know I'm pregnant. It would have been impossible to keep it a secret over the past week with my parents and brother coming to stay to celebrate Charlotte's first birthday - so we had to tell them and my OH's family.

They were all pretty surprised that we're having Number Two so soon, but also seemed pleased. To be honest it's been such a hectic week with Charlotte's birthday, having a house full of guests and Charlotte being really poorly I think most people actually forgot after the initial annoucnement!

Had our booking in appointment with the community midwife last week. She's lovely - and the system's all so different from when we were in London last time. Then it felt like we were on a conveyor belt - this time it feels more personal and a bit more relaxed. Many of our appointments (apart from things like scans and my anti-D injections) will be at the local health centre, which is great.

I was told I could have a reassurance scan if I really wanted one, given my past history of miscarriages. But I'm trying to stay really positive about this pregnancy and declined for the time being, unless I feel concerned at any time before our 13 week scan. 

Right now the 24th July, when the scan's booked for, seems a long, long time away. I've still got plenty of early pg symptoms - nausea at varying times of the day (not just evenings as it was last time), tender breasts today, and being wiped out with tiredness (though that could just as easily be from running around after a one year old!).


(originally written 25/05/12)

Holy c**p - we're expecting number two! That means there'll only be 19 months between him/her and his/her big sister, Charlotte.

It was planned. We never wanted Charlotte to be an only child, I'm very much the wrong side of 30, and if I'm honest - I want to get all the 'baby years' out of the way as quickly as possible - rather than face the shock of a newborn again a few years down the line.

Despite that - we were very surprised how quickly it's happened, and in the couple of days since I've known I've had all sorts of emotions swirling round my head. And experience has taught me getting them down on paper (or laptop) can really help. But I'm keeping this blog secret, just for me, until I'm ready to go public a couple more months down the line.

My biggest emotion (aside from "how the hell am I going to cope with a newborn and under-2 year old at the same time?!) has been a feeling of betrayal. I feel like I'm betraying Charlotte by even considering a second. I know that sounds odd because it's her we want a younger brother or sister for - but I wonder how my pregnancy (and beyond) will affect the attention, love and nurturing I give her. She's still just a baby herself and consumes my whole life. She amazes (and frustrates) me on a daily basis - and I just look at her with so much love and wonder how on earth I'll find all that time, energy and affection for her once there's another one here too.

I know millions and millions of people have more than one child, and there will be enough time and love for two (still not sure about energy!) - it just seems so impossible right at the moment.

Anyway - I'm four and a half weeks pregnant, and 'it' is the size of a poppy seed. Going to have to think of a name for 'it' like we called Charlotte the 'Little Monkey' or 'Little Monster' before she arrived...


Crikey! Is it really six weeks since my last blog? Been so busy, literally no time to get my thoughts down.

So, I'll start with the big news..... Charlotte's going to be a big sister in January, all being well!! We've obviously known for several months but only just gone public with it. I did write a couple of secret blogs when we first found out which I'll publish after this one because my head was all over the place at first.

It wasn't exactly a shock - it was planned. Being the wrong side of 35 we didn't know how long it might take this time round, especially given what we went through before Charlotte came along. But I don't think we were exactly prepared for it to happen quite so quickly, and so far, so smoothly.

There'll be 19 months between them - which isn't as close as some we know, but plenty close enough. And the close age gap does leave me with some trepidation.

I hope we've ironed out Charlotte's eating habits by then. She's so erratic... mostly going through a 'not eating' phase at the moment which is really stressing me out. At her one year review at the health visitor they said there was nothing to worry about as she's still perfectly on her weight curve and seems very happy and healthy. She's probably getting everything she needs over the course of a week, but it's so frustrating the days she just won't touch things she's happily eaten before.

predictably though, she does like chocolate!

Ever since she was really poorly on her first birthday I think we've had two nights where she's slept right through. Most nights we've had to go in at least twice - sometimes taking an hour to get her back down. Recently it's been her latest teeth coming through, but other nights she wants water, her dummy, or is just being a right pickle. As if I've not been tired enough going through the first trimester again!

But all her other development continues to delight and amaze us - especially her 'talking'. Her vocabulary is getting bigger and bigger. And I love watching her sat with a book 'reading' it to us. Her latest word, where she points to hers and ours - is "elbow". What 13 month old knows "elbow" for goodness sake?!!

Helpfully, she can now tell us when she's hungry by going: "food" and doing the baby sign for food. Unhelpfully she knows the words for her favourite foods - cheese and banana - which she'll scream at us if she's not happy with whatever it is we've given her.

Cheese was the only thing to put a smile on her face when she had her 13-month jabs, though. You have never seen anyone so delighted to be offered a Babybel - I thought she was going to burst with excitement!.

She's also practising standing without holding on to anything. So I guess it won't be too long until walking follows.

Charlotte still screams and clings onto me when I drop her off at nursery every Friday. But these days when we pick her up, she's always happy and babbling away telling us very excitedly what she's done with her day. And the outside of our fridge is rapidly filling up with the obligatory 'paintings' and 'cut and stick' artwork!

a couple of recent pics to break up a really long and overdue blog

Aside from my pregnancy, the other big news, I guess, is that I've gone back to work (albeit only until Christmas now!). It has given me a new lease of life. I'm so loving being back - I feel like I've got a part of my old self back. If I'm honest, on really busy days, I don't give Charlotte too much thought as I know she's being well looked after by either her Dad or Grandparents - all of whom she loves spending time with. 

She seems far happier not to be with me day in, day out. And it means the days when it is me looking after her I don't feel like it's such a slog; it's more of a treat and I'm not trying to think of different things to do each day, as she's already doing different things with Granny or at nursery or with Daddy.